The untimly Meditations

I may be just of one, but we are legion and we go on strong. Also I can't read the news thread or what ever. That angers me.

So long, thanks for the fish.
I wish I could say we could leave as friends.
I fought with myself as to whether or not I should write this. I need to explain and I need you to understand the full nature of my complaint. It won’t end here, but I am happy to know It will end at the place of my choosing.
My school is starting back and it has hit my broadside. I didn’t expect it, I didn’t want it, and to be honest…it scares me. What am I looking for going back? What am I doing going back? I’ll suffer my fate and I might just die, so I ask what is the point? There isn’t one anymore I have squandered all the points I was going to make. The people, there wrong, there hypocrites and they scare me with there numbers. And the people with there lies and going behinds of god, they make me feared. The teachers and there news, the halls and there blues. I’m walking back into my own death trap. I’ve set myself up for a nice fall, and I’m in a hole I can’t dig out of. I’m stuck, I’m screwed? Should I assume this is how it is suppose to end for me, this way stuck?
They say I’m a genius, yet I can name so many smarter than me. Why am I the one standing above? Another threat by me at my self, do I want to fall? The hole is dark, and smells of sulfur yet I am damn near jumping into this pit. I have assumed command of a position I can’t win, I have challenged myself to something to difficult for me to fight above. I know one thing though.
I will fight back no matter how sad it gets for me. I will try. For all the nihilism in the world, I will try. Life itself is meaningless but I will strive to make it something. I will make the honest attempt, and I will change the way it is written. I won’t give up, I won’t sit here and die. In the end it may not even matter, but I have no choice but to soldier on, and maybe in the end I will succeed. If I can establish a beach head, if I can establish dominance maybe I can take them by storm and maybe I can fight back.
In the end I am done with the decadences I have abused throughout my summer. I will continue to wait for the next set, but in the meantime I will abstain from my foolishness. In the end I will see my dreams become a reality, and in the end I will establish a rule.
I want to write a story, and I want it to be a sad story. I want to make it in three parts, 50 pages devoted to a love story used as a back drop. 50 pages devoted to a time travel plot. 50 pages to bring about the finale. I had plans to write it, but I didn’t. I was to busy being a fool, and I have only written one paragraph. My fault when it comes to writing is the fact that I can’t start a story, but I can pick it up and go.
I also wanted to write a script. For a Hentai. For no other reason than to see how it would go. I haven’t started that one, some may say thank god, but in actuality I set out to make and destroy sets and boundaries, and I want to challenge myself to writing a story so heavily plotted and paced, with so much development you care about the characters. You want to make sure they make it to the end okay.
I want to complain about my experience with a private server. Three fun facts: Requiem was my first private server. Ever. Period. The second, it wasn’t my first rp server but you might have guessed that, but it was the first one were I went in coherently and attempted to create a name for myself and establish an active role in the community. Thirdly, My name is not Phil.
When I came to this private server one month ago I saw potential and I saw thorough isolationism. And In reality I liked that, I liked the feeling it was a…small town if you will. It reminded me of a place to go and somewhere to be.
In the end I failed. I became a fool and I injured myself in the upbringing of my own. I accomplished nothing, and in the end everything was better without me. I would apologize, but in the end I will be forgotten, or only remembered for the hell that I raised.
I dislike the anger and it will spread like wildfire. I am just one to go, but when the flames die down those left will be better. I regret I won’t be making these changes, but I am happy to know I am pivotal for something.
I am leaving Requiem, I am leaving for a few reasons, most of them start with self and end in pity. I won’t talk in vent anymore because in the end I left that final chat feeling empty. I won’t return to these forums, because I leave with bitter tastes in my mouth. If you want to know what happened, I will explain. I failed. And I am one of the few who will admit failure. I failed and now it’s over.
Viva la Vida, To death and all his friends.
I decided to copy the one paragraph from the story.
There was once a time when people wished for time travel. The ability to go back and change how it all happened, or go back and revel in the glory of the moment. It could be said that this was one of those moments. Those who reveled in the glory of the moment, the people who stood in star struck awe, those who would remember this moment and pass it down to there children…were at a concert.

Before now, people stared at me as different. I soon felt that they were right, but the truth is... They are right. I am different because I am normal and try to make myself easy to understand. And for that I am labeled or suspected to be a lesser. Does it make me smarter or stupid that I can read a mind like a book? Is it a fairy tale story or a fact of life? The only reason I do so is to find the women I love in life. The one girl for me. Yet when I think I do... They turn, become something else. Or in their small term of lust stares me in the face as their piercing eyes yell two words at me. Freak... And Hideous. When I find the girl I love... She will say the same thing and I will be forced to move on. The next... She will be taken, but the relationship will end... Yet, I am only a valued friend. I move on again... Stricken by hate. And scolded to dust. Then I will find the one who loves me... But I am to weak to even say 'Hello.' That is when I will die... I will die a lonely and cold man or boy. Huddled in the dark corner of a basement. Surrounded by darkness. Then all of the people... All of the people that could have helped will be staring into my grave, not even aware it is their fault as much as mine. And the only thing they will be able to say is... 'Poor guy.' Then they will forget the next day or week. Saying, 'He is in a better place.' Might I say now, Heaven is saved for the righteous. The glory believers and the ones who are deserving and worthy. They are the ones who can forgive. And I will tell you now... My heart is to filled with love and hate... To be anywhere else then Hell. So I ask of one thing. When you think of me... Look to the ground. And tell me what should really be said. 'See you soon freak.'

Any man can make a claim in what his life is and what it will lead too. This I can understand. I started to write a book as well... Only got to a few pages. Then everything else clouded me from doing it. Life seems to not matter anymore... But even if I cant get up this time. Even if I am doomed to die. I will leave the US... I will go to Canada and live in a cabin. And I will finish my book.

Phil, I'm kind of worried about you. Please pop in every now and again to let us know you are okay.

*cough* So yesterday I was writing a song and after I finished it I read back over it and said, You know what? That sounds like a farewell speech. Then I thought again, who in the great big interweb would deserve a farewell speech by me? Then I thought again, If I take out the chorus and add in a rambling rant based off my conclusion that everyone else is crazy maybe I'll be going somewhere. Then I thought, Requiem. And so I wrote a farewell speech based off the song, I think it sounds pretty neat. In any case Um....*cough* My name is still not Phil, my name is Meeks. Phil is just the character I made....anyway I'll try not to bother you with the schematics.